Alright, it is a PANIC attack
at this moment. I need to talk to someone to calm down or some assurance and advice
needed. Unfortunately, there isn’t anyone around to entertain me. Toss a chill pill to myself and write. I need
to express my feeling now.
I recently joined the new
company. Adapting to the new environment is taking a toll on me as I feel
lonely most of the time because I am of a newcomer who is different from the
98% of the rest. ALIENATED, I feel. I can’t
seem to join their clan because I am different, I can’t tell how different
because it will create a havoc. In short, I am NEW and unique from the other
30-40 or so of them.
So, there are about 30+ staffs
under my boss in this division. On my second day of work, my boss herself
brought me up to another department to introduce me to a head. Then, she told
that I was the Lucky One because months before I joined, the hiring process was
frozen; I got hired.
I slowly gathered some
information that many of them here are on contract basis and a few are temp staffs.
The one who taught me on my work told me that she came in as a contract staff
too and converted to permanent staff later on. She then said that I am lucky to
be a permanent staff once I came in to this company. Excuse me, I still need to
serve my 6-months’ probation period like usual.
Ok, I am very sure that I am
offered a permanent employment with this company as per my LOA. However, the
greatest FEAR I am facing is that I
DARE NOT EVEN SAY I AM A PERMANENT STAFF as I am a newbie. Not to
mention I am the only one among the 30+ people, different not in a sense of
employment status but *censored* sensitive
issue so yea. My boss’s administrator asked me yesterday but I dare not
disclose, she said she will call the HR. Well, she (they) will know sooner or
later because she need to help me to apply certain things using my employment
ID and status.
So, I am trying my best to
keep my status a secret for now. The longest I could. I am worried that people
will envy or whatever they want to feel about me. Not bothering what they can
do to me or behind my back or worst if they backstab and pin-point me. Goshhhhh…I
don’t want to imagine what may happen. I just want be cautious of jealousy and
gossips among the women (and men) cause they are all the same. *pray* God,
please watch over me, keep me from the negative thoughts/people/energy and
bless me with good vibes. *pray*
P/S: Boss once again said I am
lucky because there will be a next wave of retrenchment. She was alerted that
contract and temp staffs will no longer be able to extend their contracts. She then
told all of us to work hard, no slacking. She is devastated about the alert. I,
on the other hand is dead worried about myself
PANIC ATTACK!!!
I am so new!
I am a permanent!
I am a different kind from the clan!
What will other think of me?
Will retrenchment hit me?
Am I able to work here for long?
PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!
