I am Worried, Fear & Panic!

Alright, it is a PANIC attack at this moment. I need to talk to someone to calm down or some assurance and advice needed. Unfortunately, there isn’t anyone around to entertain me.  Toss a chill pill to myself and write. I need to express my feeling now.

I recently joined the new company. Adapting to the new environment is taking a toll on me as I feel lonely most of the time because I am of a newcomer who is different from the 98% of the rest. ALIENATED, I feel.  I can’t seem to join their clan because I am different, I can’t tell how different because it will create a havoc. In short, I am NEW and unique from the other 30-40 or so of them.  

So, there are about 30+ staffs under my boss in this division. On my second day of work, my boss herself brought me up to another department to introduce me to a head. Then, she told that I was the Lucky One because months before I joined, the hiring process was frozen; I got hired.

I slowly gathered some information that many of them here are on contract basis and a few are temp staffs. The one who taught me on my work told me that she came in as a contract staff too and converted to permanent staff later on. She then said that I am lucky to be a permanent staff once I came in to this company. Excuse me, I still need to serve my 6-months’ probation period like usual.

Ok, I am very sure that I am offered a permanent employment with this company as per my LOA. However, the greatest FEAR I am facing is that I DARE NOT EVEN SAY I AM A PERMANENT STAFF as I am a newbie. Not to mention I am the only one among the 30+ people, different not in a sense of employment status but *censored* sensitive issue so yea. My boss’s administrator asked me yesterday but I dare not disclose, she said she will call the HR. Well, she (they) will know sooner or later because she need to help me to apply certain things using my employment ID and status.

So, I am trying my best to keep my status a secret for now. The longest I could. I am worried that people will envy or whatever they want to feel about me. Not bothering what they can do to me or behind my back or worst if they backstab and pin-point me. Goshhhhh…I don’t want to imagine what may happen. I just want be cautious of jealousy and gossips among the women (and men) cause they are all the same. *pray* God, please watch over me, keep me from the negative thoughts/people/energy and bless me with good vibes. *pray*

P/S: Boss once again said I am lucky because there will be a next wave of retrenchment. She was alerted that contract and temp staffs will no longer be able to extend their contracts. She then told all of us to work hard, no slacking. She is devastated about the alert. I, on the other hand is dead worried about myself

PANIC ATTACK!!!

I am so new!

I am a permanent!

I am a different kind from the clan!

What will other think of me?

Will retrenchment hit me?

Am I able to work here for long?

PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!