Our photo - The Last and For All

I came across the only picture taken with my phone when we were sweetly together as a couple. Every time when I looked at that picture, I felt so love when I was with you. Then when you first left, I looked at the photograph of you kissing my cheek makes me cry. Now, I miss you once again when I just saw the photo. I honestly say that I felt so loved, so contented and so sweet in the picture. I miss being in someone's arms, I want someone to pamper me and I need to be owned. I miss all of that.

I miss jerkie. Thus, I went to his FB to see how is he doing. As I scrolled down the page, post after post he was doing fine till a post he said he just got himself home after a Hit & Run accident. Bruises all over and body aches. He could not grab whole oh the driver because by the time he got up and held his bike, that fellow left. The driver was such a nuisance, no sympathy and extremely irresponsible. Ouch... pain on his body!! 

I felt uneasy too. I wished I was there or I know how is he now. Though, he is not as significant anymore but he is still someone I knew. I feel sorry whenever any of my friends no matter close nor I just met you once, I don't want to see mishaps involving them. Gah....... Is he severely injured? Skinned arms for sure. Sigh... 

Then again, I know him well enough. I know how he rides his bike. Can't he just ride carefully and be cautious on the road. Every road users are to be responsible and have the duty to care while you're on the road. Well, knowing him who can't even drive patiently just can't be a safe user. I have no doubt that he rode like a mad jerk. Sometimes, I think that he too the cause of accident. He just don't learn after several times of accidents. Bad luck, jerkie!!!

The last and for all I stared at the photo and that's it. The photograph is now kept in a folder that I will not see at any time. I avoid looking at it and I restrict myself from opening that folder because it is filled with moments of you and me, the life we once went through together and now it's a memory for me. Take care, jerkie...

A picture filled with feelings and emotions

Miss - Missing - Missed

You're not My Topics anymore

No matter how much I deny that it does not matters me anymore, how much I don't want to talk about it, a gazzilion times I tell myself to not leave in the past and let the past be the past; I still do think of the jerk whenever I see your name, things that you're involve in, places that you belong to and so on. Even the college's name appears, it's only you. Sigh! Deep in my heart, there is still a cling that I am not fully forgotten about you. Though I don't look like a dead body and depressed but it's hurts. I may smile cheerfully and laugh of loud every day, I do keep quiet and ponder upon our past. I still get upset you no long be with me. Day by day, the time I think of you differs, I admit that my mind is occupied by someone else. However, I am heavy hearted to let go fully of you in my heart. Yet, I have to because you no longer know me. This is sad.

I am glad to say that I don't cry anymore. Though I feel like it sometimes but the tears are all dried up. No more tears are meant for you, jerk. I am not the same since then. I avoid from talking about you, I dislike seeing people that know you. I feel better this way. I am so much happier not relating you in my topics every time. I am even happier when people come and tell me that 'Hey, you looked so much better now. The me that they once knows is back!' How glad when I heard that. Hugs...

I am now very HAPPY.

I SMILE cheerfully.

I am ENJOYing life.

Live - Laugh - Love

I had to survive

I survived


I am still surviving

=)

Stop & Stare

Dear you,

To you who always Stares,

What are you staring at?

Why are you staring at me?

How long more are you gonna stare?

To you who always Stares,

Are you a normal man i.e not a homo?

Are you someone that opposite attracts?

Are you talking nonsense about me?

To you who always Stares,

Don't you know that it is weird?

Don't you know that it is really obvious?

Don't you know that you're caught all the times?

To you who always Stares,

Why are you so shy?

Do you feel the urge to be friends?

When will you have the guts?

To you who always Stares,

You looked so cute every time being caught!

You always smile but I avoid looking at you!

You tried to looked at me when I am near you!

To you who always Stares,

I am shy too.

I blush when I am being teased by my friend.

I felt awkward when your friends...

act funny, giggle, whisper and look at me too.

To you who always Stares,

I never looked at you...

I never dare to smile at you...

I never have the guts to talk to you...

... because you always stares at me.

To you who always Stares,

I can see that you're staring.

I can feel that you're talking about me.

I know that your friends know something.

To you who always Stares,

We started smiling at each other.

I still avoid looking at you yet you smile.  

I miss your shy smile every day I don't see you.

To you who always Stares,

Every time I think of you, I smile to myself.

Every day when I bump into you face to face, I smile.

Every moment I caught you staring, I am proud.

To you who always Stares,

I forgotten my awful past since you appeared.

I want you to notice my existence around that location.

I am so preoccupied by you in my mind.

To you who always Stares,

Another girl is very much obvious interested in you.

The jealousy and anger make me wanna back-off.

But, I want to know why are you staring at me first.

To you who always Stares,

Today was the best day.

Today marks a date my heart throbbing because of you.

Today is going be something I will smile when I think of it.

Today,

I opened the door, I saw the girl around you.

I ignore and never wanted to look at your direction.

I went off after that.

Later, 

I came in again and you turned to look.

That was the brightest smile I've given to you yet.

I am always cheered by you smiling to me.

I then place my books beside you, my friend told me you smiled.

I was so happy.

Then, 

I urged to ask you a question.

If we still have classes for one particular subject.

I stammered and my heartbeat was at a quick pace.

I see that you were stunt.

You looked so cute and make me wanna laugh because...

... you were trying hard not to smile while answering me.

To you who always Stares,

I wonder did I make you wanna say Oh oh oh my gosh.

I will greet and smile if you turn over.

I hope to be friends with you.

To you who always Stares,

All I want to know is why are you staring at me.

I need you to tell me.

When will that be?

To you who always Stares,

Since the semester started...

... till almost the end of the semester.

That was how long it have been. 

~ ~ ~ the end ~ ~ ~

I may be just daydreaming but who cares when I feel happy.

I may be checking this person out but I can't stop him from staring too.

I may be just having the wrong idea but who cares because it is not a crime to have thoughts.

I thank you for allowing my mind to not think of my that someone who don't value me. 

Many gratitudes, 

to you who always Stares.

Faithfully,

♥♥ me ♥♥

Proudly Presenting  - Candyrific Candylicious

On a cool Sunday morning, anxiously I rose thinking of going for shopping. Then, I went. Teehee!!! SO freaking hungry and craving for Japanese cuisine, I went to Sakae. Definitely a full and rather satisfied meal. Though I am still craving for Unagi, Salmon Sashimi, Agedashi Tofu and more. *yum yum*

Mega Sale is going on all around the mall. I want to buy stuff, I want to shop, I can't control myself. August, Mega Sale, August, Mega Sale ; I need more $$$.

Shops to shops, round the whole mall. Trying on shoes after shoes. I liked them all. None fit me!!! How sad. Then, those that fitted had some quality not satisfying. When I almost gonna go and foot the bill, I see some matter on the shoes. Grrr.. So frustrating!!!

In the end, I went home with only a file for my Law notes.

I proudly announced that today wasn't a good day for shopping.

Studies perhaps, my Law notes looked tidy now
*thumbs up*

P/S : I'm gonna do some online shopping. I have all the details, it's just waiting for me to place an order =)

In memorial, GrandMa. R.I.P.

I dreamt when I was napping just now. Is a usual thing that happens to me. I dream quite often and I do remember some of the dreams. I dislike horrible dreams and worst when I feel very restless when I woke up. Mentally tired, I don't know why. Alright, let's share what I dreamt just. The dream seem was about my late maternal grandmother. She passed away some years ago. When she was still alive, I rarely talk to her because I seldom visit her, but Chinese New Year is a definite. This is weird that I actually dreamt of her.

The dream...

     I saw her standing at the grill of my parents' home. What made me scared was she don't have legs. I can't really recognize her at first because she was looking nice, good and healthy. She looked younger and more fleshier. I remembered when she left, she was like stick thin. She smile, I paused for a moment and I yelled Grandma in Cantonese because she used to have listening problem. She smiled again with a bright red lipstick color. I asked her 'How are you?' She smiled. I was about to tear, I think somehow I do miss her. I held my tears and controlled my shaky voice, I said 'Take care always'. She then went down the stair to the little space for the residence to discard rubbish. I stared at her motionlessly and heart feeling sad. She smiled again,  when I turned to look in to my house, she disappeared. Then, I know she is gone. ='(

I am happy to know that she is living good in the afterworld. Rest in peace, Grandma. You will be in my mind even though I seldom spend time with you when you  lived, yet I felt the lost. However, you're my family. I am tearing when I wrote this.

I told my aunt, she said maybe my Grandma is here to tell me something. To inform me that she is living good and peace there. Coincidently, it's the Ghost Month for Chinese this month. I never dreamt of my maternal Grandma. So, maybe at this time she came by for good. I think I should tell my mom that so that my mom is happy for her and to pray for her soul.

In memorial of you, Popo!

Rest in Peace.

A big family of mine

   I am always eager to meet my big family from all over Malaysia. We've bee through a lot in matter of preparation for camps, convention and other events. We all worked together really very well and whenever anyone of us need a helping hand, there sure will be some fellow acquintances lending us a helping hand. I am a not to say junior but I claim myself one because there are still lots of things for me to learn. I'm glad every time when I am given an opportunity to join the organizing team. It's just another learning process, making new friends and strengthning bonds. I always happy to be a part of the family.

   However, the feeling is not the same anymore lately. The eagerness and anxiousness to join every events still going strong. I still attend as much as I could. The determination to contributed my thoughts to the team is continuously burning in me. Yet, whenever I am reunited to the big family, I feel uneasy. I don't know how to exactly derive my feelings at that moment. There were a mixture of feelings. How can I describe further? I am not sure if the problem is within self or it matters others.

   Firstly, to a specific person front the group. We were really close, I would say it's more than friends between us. We shared multiple of our personal stories together. Laughter, sorrow, grief, gossips and obviously a helping hand. Always being there for me and giving me words of wisdom when I was in deep crap. Unfortunately, I was being judged and ditched partially because of that crap. The oerson is not supporting me nor the other party. The person just wanted me to move on and I took too long to move on it seems. I admit that I may took a longer period as compared to the person's. The fact can't be denied that every single human treats every relationship differently. Thus, how can you dutched me by saying that I took a long time.  A part from that, another reason was I changed. I was claimed to have changed to a stranger. I took some time alone and not share so much to this specific person. I realise that if I myself don't want to take the first step of moving on, no one can helped me even I share my problem. This resulting to me being away for some quiet time. Excuse me, I too felt that the person is a stranger to me. I no longer understands the person. Yet, I am still doing my part as a friend. Nevertheless, the feeling of an unknown stranger deep inside. If I'd changed but to a better me indeed.

   Next, the memories I had with all of them were good and memorable. The memories we had definately can't beat the crap memories in reality. Nonetheless, I just can't control myself relating my awful past with you guys. I always remembered the time we spent even though it was a short time together when that person was someone significant to me. That was my best time because It was just a haven because my close friends from the family and my significant someone was with me. The memories were meant to be engraved to me. I know that it was a past in my life and I should forget. Somehow, you people still reminds me of him. I may seems happy spending time, working as a team with you guys but later on when I sit quietly observing you all, I am actually just thinking of him. Always since then and I still do feel the same. That's why I sometimes agreed to join any events reluctantly. I feel awkwardly uneasy.

   Last but not least, I am so occupied. My days in Uni are getting more hectic. I need time for myself especially my studies. Most importantly, most of my closest high school girlfriends are back in town. Obviously, I want to hang out with them. So many years since high school, the friendship still strong and going. I just love them a lot. I feel very much open and comfortable being with them. Rekindling the time we grew up together and now creating more meaningful memories as we grow older. All in all, time for me, myself and I are much need. I apologose for my selfishness for myself and my girlfriends.

   Here in, I think I need to do some soul searching and reflection once again. I dislike the feeling of unhappiness, awkwardness and disbelonging of the big family. A big family I once like being with. I need to be away in order to be happier. All of you said that I looked more happier now ever since the crappy past. You all said that you guys see the old me that you all once knew. The cheerful, bubbly good looking and confident me. I agree that I am so much happier now. But, there is still an impact from you guys. I am sorry if I am to be M.I.A. for some time because I feel pressured after every time meeting you people. I hope not but I really do, I will try to make it back to the big family. Don't worry, I'll be fine. 

PC Fair Aug 2010

Exhaustion yet Fruitful. This was my first time going for PC Fair. I never knew that it was this huge, it's 3 levels and not sure how many halls. Apple to Samsonite to Western Digital to Buffalo to Sony to Nikon to Canon to Kaspersky to...the list goes on and on. That's a whole long list of brands, don't wanna inmagine the products there. All sorts of IT stuff that you can find is all there. My forst time there and this time around I went because I badly needed an external hard drive. Yes, I bought a ruby red Buffalo home. *wink* The fair was huge and packed with humans yet I bumped into so many coursemates. Only coursemates and not other friends. I guessed I know why; because all of us who are taking the same course are off on Fridays. TGIF!!! The shopping spree, so many things caught my attention. I wished I could but everything. I wanted a camera but I am still thinking of it. At first we went scouting around for the best price and the better ones. Nevertheless, we the legs got tired and the tummy felt empty, we decided to just buy what we see at that moment. Obviously, it was what needed. It was a fruitful one. Apparently what I bought was red. I think red was todays's theme. KM and Jo wore red top, I had something red on me to (you wonldn't wanna know what) and my external and headphones are red too. Yay...looking hot! Oh...I love my headphones so much. The sound is awesome. I can now blast the music without annoying anyone or my family will not distract me ^_^ . Actually, I bought them so that my friends can call me via Skype. Some privacy needed. I like all the things I bought and the movie, The Last Airbender was not too bad. But one things sad was money flying away from my purse. Can I dream that the cash will always be supplied and I can spend all I want. Just dream on, sweetie.

Alright, got to go do some revision. QBM Quiz is happening in less that 10hours. Wish me luck. Then, straight heading off for a roadtrip down South. Gonna have a fun weekend =D

Is that all?

Along the way home today, something came in my thoughts. The traffic was like usual, cars filled the road slow moving causing a crawl all the way. How I just love empty highways so that I can speed my way. Today was a moody day because I didn't had enough sleep last night due to Law assignment deadline is today. Hungry and moody, I drove home. While I was trying to pay attention on my driving, these thoughts flashed through my mind. I use to have this thinking of crashing my car everytime I feel down because of my past. That was what I felt like doing last time. However, this time I was just wondering why would I ever thought of thatand what will really happened if I ever crash my car. I am talking about a very massive and terrified crash that maybe life taking. I shouldn't think that way but that was how I felt every time when I am dead sad. Full of sighs...

Aside from those thoughts, what kept me pondering even till now is that why am I not thinking of him anymore. I think of him very often the past few months and every time he appeared in my mind, something struck the pain in my heart. I use to wish he never left. He never treated me this way and he is still my friend. However, bitterness happened and I am learning to accept it. Then again, I am still wondering why he doesn't runs through my mind as often. Am I beggining to put it behind, to not allow it affect my emotions, to forget about him? I really wonder...

P/S: If I am really ready to let go, I still sense a lil heavy hearted.

Is that all?

OT Meet 1 [2010]

A taxing yet fruitful weekend past. I went all the way up north to LSC, Ipoh for a meeting. A preparation meeting for the national convention this year end. From the underlying theme to the theme to the subcomms, mentally taxing debating and final decisions made. Forward with Faith for 2010. Soand a lil Christianity? Let me clarify it. We, Lasallians are moving along faith, service and community as our core. The theme is srtictly not a religious factor. Definitely, we can guarantee that it is nothing to do with religion but spirituality. We unite to make this convention another successful one. Many more meetings coming and tonnes of emails to reply. I serious matter here. Hmm... fun though.

As usual, OTs are selected by the bosses. I am glad I am given a chance as a part of the team once again. Every year is an all new experience, another learning process and a funfill friendship bonding time. Good to say that I took a step further this year to facilitate one of the session during regionals. Thank you for giving an opportunity in everything. A tough question was asked over the weekend. It was "Why am I important to the convention?" I took so long to write my answer, I even thought of escaping answering this question. Very tough indeed. Finally, my answer was "Because I have young and positive energy". Gosh.. everyone bursted into laughter because some older seniors felt threaten (maybe not such a strong word lah but something like that). Anyway, I believe that there is something in me that is why I am important to the convention. I believe I have a lot more to contribute with all the supports from the the bosses.

A side from that, I truthfully say that I actually did thinking of not being a part of the team. I am scared of going back to a place filled with memories from someone who is very significant to me. I am worried that I am not able to bear my emotions and to control them and keep my tears in my hands. I feared of going back to places that I have sweet memories with that someone. What more to say when I need to go back to a place when I begun the other story in my life. I am totally paanoid. However, I never regret going back to LSC this time. I reacted and went throught it better that I thought. I was all prepared that I will breakdown yet I didn't. As I am sitting by the field of St. Michael's Instituition, the memories flashed back. It came running in my mind, this is where it all started. Sigh... I took a moment of silence, closed my eyes to clear the memories in my mind. I reflected on it and worked hard to not allow it affect my mood. I succeed. I will not deny that it will not affect me at all the next time, but I will definitely be stronger to face the fact that those are memories and I have to move forward. 

A mixture of all sorts of feelings. This made me to be a lil quiet throughtout the weekend. I tried to not show what is disturbing me. I tried my best and I hope I made it. A lot of things were running in my mind. It wasn't a problem of me alone. Someone or something there that was the cause. I know it very clear but I choose to not shre it. There will be consequences to it, thus I shall not discuss this matter. Talking to those that I was once close to and laughing with every other who was present definitely made my weekend a fruitful one. Not to forgotten scandals, gossips, tummy aching jokes, games and teasings were all in a part from the serious matter. One most important thing, late night mamaking in Ipoh. Nashmir brings good food and great bonding session. A must try in the mamak is Roti Ice Cream. The one and only, one of a kind roti canai with ice cream solely in Nashmir, Ipoh.

That's all for the night. I still need to wash my clothes before dosing off to bed for early rising classes tomorrow. I need some rest and I have to rush for an assignment due on Wednesday. Law Assignment, Grrr....