I am always eager to meet my big family from all over Malaysia. We've bee through a lot in matter of preparation for camps, convention and other events. We all worked together really very well and whenever anyone of us need a helping hand, there sure will be some fellow acquintances lending us a helping hand. I am a not to say junior but I claim myself one because there are still lots of things for me to learn. I'm glad every time when I am given an opportunity to join the organizing team. It's just another learning process, making new friends and strengthning bonds. I always happy to be a part of the family.
However, the feeling is not the same anymore lately. The eagerness and anxiousness to join every events still going strong. I still attend as much as I could. The determination to contributed my thoughts to the team is continuously burning in me. Yet, whenever I am reunited to the big family, I feel uneasy. I don't know how to exactly derive my feelings at that moment. There were a mixture of feelings. How can I describe further? I am not sure if the problem is within self or it matters others.
Firstly, to a specific person front the group. We were really close, I would say it's more than friends between us. We shared multiple of our personal stories together. Laughter, sorrow, grief, gossips and obviously a helping hand. Always being there for me and giving me words of wisdom when I was in deep crap. Unfortunately, I was being judged and ditched partially because of that crap. The oerson is not supporting me nor the other party. The person just wanted me to move on and I took too long to move on it seems. I admit that I may took a longer period as compared to the person's. The fact can't be denied that every single human treats every relationship differently. Thus, how can you dutched me by saying that I took a long time. A part from that, another reason was I changed. I was claimed to have changed to a stranger. I took some time alone and not share so much to this specific person. I realise that if I myself don't want to take the first step of moving on, no one can helped me even I share my problem. This resulting to me being away for some quiet time. Excuse me, I too felt that the person is a stranger to me. I no longer understands the person. Yet, I am still doing my part as a friend. Nevertheless, the feeling of an unknown stranger deep inside. If I'd changed but to a better me indeed.
Next, the memories I had with all of them were good and memorable. The memories we had definately can't beat the crap memories in reality. Nonetheless, I just can't control myself relating my awful past with you guys. I always remembered the time we spent even though it was a short time together when that person was someone significant to me. That was my best time because It was just a haven because my close friends from the family and my significant someone was with me. The memories were meant to be engraved to me. I know that it was a past in my life and I should forget. Somehow, you people still reminds me of him. I may seems happy spending time, working as a team with you guys but later on when I sit quietly observing you all, I am actually just thinking of him. Always since then and I still do feel the same. That's why I sometimes agreed to join any events reluctantly. I feel awkwardly uneasy.
Last but not least, I am so occupied. My days in Uni are getting more hectic. I need time for myself especially my studies. Most importantly, most of my closest high school girlfriends are back in town. Obviously, I want to hang out with them. So many years since high school, the friendship still strong and going. I just love them a lot. I feel very much open and comfortable being with them. Rekindling the time we grew up together and now creating more meaningful memories as we grow older. All in all, time for me, myself and I are much need. I apologose for my selfishness for myself and my girlfriends.
Here in, I think I need to do some soul searching and reflection once again. I dislike the feeling of unhappiness, awkwardness and disbelonging of the big family. A big family I once like being with. I need to be away in order to be happier. All of you said that I looked more happier now ever since the crappy past. You all said that you guys see the old me that you all once knew. The cheerful, bubbly good looking and confident me. I agree that I am so much happier now. But, there is still an impact from you guys. I am sorry if I am to be M.I.A. for some time because I feel pressured after every time meeting you people. I hope not but I really do, I will try to make it back to the big family. Don't worry, I'll be fine.
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