A 28th October Post

It’s lunch break but I am so mood off to even eat. I just feel so tired, tired of everything. The workload, the colleagues and the people. I know that we should look beyond thigs that tarnish us but there are rebel moments that I do not know how to react to it or more often in times that I don’t know how to control my emotions on things. In one word, I think I am very S.T.R.E.S.S.E.D.!

 

I NEED A HUG!

 

If there is a person who comes by and give me a tight hug, I will probably cry in the person’s arms.

 

Music is blasting in my ears, I need to zone out.

I am writing this because I do not have anything in mind to do.

I would love to close my eyes to rest my soul, not the good thing to do in the office.

 

1 hour passes by so quickly, I have not recover my mood to focus on my work at all.

All I was is sleep.

And....all my colleagues asked my partner if I am all right be cause my face looked very very not all right, I looked Gloomy apparently.

I am Worried, Fear & Panic!

Alright, it is a PANIC attack at this moment. I need to talk to someone to calm down or some assurance and advice needed. Unfortunately, there isn’t anyone around to entertain me.  Toss a chill pill to myself and write. I need to express my feeling now.

I recently joined the new company. Adapting to the new environment is taking a toll on me as I feel lonely most of the time because I am of a newcomer who is different from the 98% of the rest. ALIENATED, I feel.  I can’t seem to join their clan because I am different, I can’t tell how different because it will create a havoc. In short, I am NEW and unique from the other 30-40 or so of them.  

So, there are about 30+ staffs under my boss in this division. On my second day of work, my boss herself brought me up to another department to introduce me to a head. Then, she told that I was the Lucky One because months before I joined, the hiring process was frozen; I got hired.

I slowly gathered some information that many of them here are on contract basis and a few are temp staffs. The one who taught me on my work told me that she came in as a contract staff too and converted to permanent staff later on. She then said that I am lucky to be a permanent staff once I came in to this company. Excuse me, I still need to serve my 6-months’ probation period like usual.

Ok, I am very sure that I am offered a permanent employment with this company as per my LOA. However, the greatest FEAR I am facing is that I DARE NOT EVEN SAY I AM A PERMANENT STAFF as I am a newbie. Not to mention I am the only one among the 30+ people, different not in a sense of employment status but *censored* sensitive issue so yea. My boss’s administrator asked me yesterday but I dare not disclose, she said she will call the HR. Well, she (they) will know sooner or later because she need to help me to apply certain things using my employment ID and status.

So, I am trying my best to keep my status a secret for now. The longest I could. I am worried that people will envy or whatever they want to feel about me. Not bothering what they can do to me or behind my back or worst if they backstab and pin-point me. Goshhhhh…I don’t want to imagine what may happen. I just want be cautious of jealousy and gossips among the women (and men) cause they are all the same. *pray* God, please watch over me, keep me from the negative thoughts/people/energy and bless me with good vibes. *pray*

P/S: Boss once again said I am lucky because there will be a next wave of retrenchment. She was alerted that contract and temp staffs will no longer be able to extend their contracts. She then told all of us to work hard, no slacking. She is devastated about the alert. I, on the other hand is dead worried about myself

PANIC ATTACK!!!

I am so new!

I am a permanent!

I am a different kind from the clan!

What will other think of me?

Will retrenchment hit me?

Am I able to work here for long?

PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!

July 16, 2015 / Raya Eve

So, I have not been blogging ever since. Because I do not have the chance anymore since the colleague next to me is back to work after her 3 weeks long of break to study for exams, she did CFA Level 1. Besides, I do not switch on my netbook at home especially after work. Maybe I should try using the Blogger App on my mobile. I’d try once with the mobile app but it didn’t sync with my Gmail that I use to manage my blog. It’s another Gmail that I have and I tried changing it but it didn’t work. Hence, I didn’t blog ever since. I use Dayre at times.

Why am I blogging now?! Yea, because I have no work at all, bored and free.

Yes, I am at work.

BUT…

I am at a new company already. Joined this company just yesterday. It’s the Raya celebration now and many people are on-leave. The office is really quiet. I am still hopeful that it will be half-day today as my previous employer is on half-day for main Gazetted Public Holidays. Why can’t the Government standardize it? LOL! #daydreaming

I heard khabar angin that we can balik awal [excuse me for my Bahasa Rojak aka Manglish (Malay + English)]. But, the Financial Controller asked his secretary to confirm with corporate. Now, check with Legal Department to standardize it but Legal has yet to decide the time to go back. I doubt there will be early release or half-day work today. If it’s given, it should be announced way before everyone goes on Raya break.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter much to me. Get to go off early then I will probably join my ex-colleague and ex-boss (I really miss her) for brunch or to meet the Lasallian Programme Director for a drink since he is like 10 mins away or to go home and bump around. Company should just let us go since the people do not have the mood to work already.

Latest update is that we can go back at 3pm. It’s already 12pm, no chance of leaving half-day already. I shall continue doing nothing, reading the company’s website and portal, texting people and writing the post. I brought food for lunch since I didn’t eat lunch yesterday as they were all fasting so no one brought me to explore the office building, even the cafeteria.

Oh Heyyyyyyyyyyy…the secretary just announced that we can go off at 2pm!!! Yay Yay!!!

June 03, 2015

I am slacking. Oh well, it is the last week that I can slack because the colleagues who is sitting next to me will be returning to work after a 3 week break. I will not be so free & easy then because she will be able to see what I am doing. Besides, my immediate superior is on-leave today. I am having the row roll of working desks all to myself. Nonetheless, didn’t I mention before that the CCTV is just above me?! Yeaps, it is and it captures what I have been doing all these while, I supposed. Oh well, even if it did and can see what I have been doing so what? Sac me and pay me. I am not in the mood to be in this place anymore.

It all comes back to how lucky am I to be offered a job elsewhere. I hope it will really be soon. *desperately hoping* Then, I will feel better and more hopeful of my future. May God bless me, thank you! Sincerely. If I am to resign soon, the more I couldn’t care less about the CCTV seeing what I am doing. Of course, I will still be cautious with the colleagues around because I can’t be too obvious that I am slacking. If ever they check the CCTV, I should be dead! *someone gonna get it real bad* LOL…

I have been playing basically for the day, feeling emo after I scroll through my gallery and saw pictures of my beloved. I got even more emotional. The feeling of missing and longing for the person. Dear Lovey, I really miss you. I hope that I don’t need to keep a distance from this person anymore. He is my pillar of strength, my tranquilizer, my clown, my listener, my soulmate and all of me for all these years. I wish I could tell him that. It is so tough to go through this tough time. It is breaking me. Then, my colleague called me to go for lunch. Goodness, keep me away from dwelling in emotions. Thank you.

#EGG Sandwich for lunch J

[loving the egg yolk]

P/S: Slacking by browsing the place that I did love to go on a Solo trip when I drop by to SG real soon.

June 02, 2015

I am rather relaxed this month around when I do the month-end closing.

I have finished my part and I am still waiting for my fellow colleagues from branches to submit the report to me. Needless to say, I have a report here waiting for me to do it and to be submitted to the Singapore office. I am reluctant to do it and I am still slacking it.

I have been texting my friends the whole morning while I did complete the closing I am supposed to do.

Then, it was about lunch time. I brought cream crackers spread with kaya was actually for breakfast but I didn’t have the mood to eat and I kept it for lunch. So, lunch was a cup of Nestum and the 6 slices of cream crackers. Too light for lunch obviously but I am not in the mood to go out for lunch neither did I prepare anything last night or this morning because I went home late hence, slept late and was reluctant to wake up this morning.

I went for dinner and movies with a close friend. I bought a relatively cheap handbag for work too. There are two colors for the bag I bought, I liked the red but bought the black. Black is classier, professional and appropriate for work. Red is obviously stunning, daring and eye-catchy. So tempted to get the red one but was worried of the comments gonna be “Wow RED?! for work?” or “Dinah loves RED” which I get it all the time because a lot of my things are in red coincidentally. Red has always been the eye-catcher color compared to black despite black looking classier. Nonetheless, to my aunties who often tell me to avoid choosing black because it’s dull. Black may sometimes make a person look like old too. Oh well, it’s just a bad to work and I do need to go to customers’ office and so, black is a safer choice.

The office is so cold, probably because I sat here through lunch when there were not many people in. Besides, I did not have proper food to heat the body. Maybe…  It is so chilly that I feel like snuggling under the comforter in bed. Ok, I got really sleepy and I went to the toilet. I took a good 5 seconds nap by sitting on the covered toilet seat and rest my head on my arm on the basin.

As I am pretending to do some work, well it is still my monthly task; my manager asked me to help her with some powerpoint, shapes and chart. I saw the renovation plan and the moving process will begin in August. Subsequently, the renovation will kick-off till December followed by moving back in to the renovated office in January. I am so reluctant to know about the moving process because there will be a lot of things to pack and move. We are all ladies in the department. I am not fond of it. I hope I will receive good news about job offers sooner that I hope for. Actually, I have been hoping for an offer since March. I am hoping high but I am worried at the same time that there will be no offer at all that I will have to stay here for another year. I will have a separate post on this soon.

I am to wrap up this post soon. Maybe at 4pm. I just can’t concentrate at work today. Reason being it was a dramatic start to the day with me not having enough sleep and feeling exhausted. Can I also skip the case and continue with wrapping up this post. It is a long story. Lesson today that is NEVER BE TOO CLOSE TO A COLLEAGUE & NEVER TELL A COLLEAGUE SO MUCH PERSONAL STUFF!!! I AM THREATEN AND I AM DEAD SCARED/WORRIED…for the whole morning, whole day…I am still thinking about it.

So cold… It’s down pouring… I can’t wait till 5pm… I am going home early! 

May 28, 2015

Can I blog at work??

Yes, I can.

I can’t seem to start my engine to work.

I can’t focus.

I woke up feeling emotional but I know I have to rush because I wanna cook lunch for work.

The alarm rang; I was awaken before that.

My mind started thinking why did I wake up so fast.

The thoughts of him, then I tried to just shut my mind i.e. sleep but I know I got no time left.

I chill a bit before rising from bed to the bathroom.

In the bathroom, I continue chilling till the very last minute and I had to rush.

Dress up, Make up, get downstairs and start cooking.

Of course time is running out and I am dashing off to work.

The thoughts of him came to my mind again.

I’d want to text him again then block again.

After a while thinking, I told myself No texting him.

The thoughts came again when I am almost near the office.

Ok! I will ring him when I reach office.

Parked my car, got ready to get down of the car.

This is when I said “Alright, let’s give it a short ring.”

I have no intentions in talking to him at all but I just want to ring him.

I did it.

It rang a few times on my side, not sure about his.

Then, I hung up and dashed to the office.

Oh ya, I switched my phone to flight mode too.

So, that he can’t call back if he did.

I settled down at my workstation, I switched the mode back to normal.

Initially, I wanted to leave it on flight mode.

But, I am hoping for calls on job interviews.

I’d better leave my phone contactable.

In case I miss any great opportunities.

Ding Dong Ding Dong for half an hour, I am still not able to begin working.

Then, a colleague clocked in with a bad day for her.

She met in a car accident and her PC’s monitor was blinking.

So, I helped her to fix it. Listen to her rantings.

Now, I am at my workstation.

Just finished my breakfast which was oatmeal biscuits and a cup of yogurt.

Listening to stress relieve music as I feel I am not able focus.

The air-cond is directly blowing at my feet, feeling so cold.

My flu has yet to recover since last Monday.

Argh….anyhow I gotta get going….

Need to start my work now! 

May 27, 2015

Today I don’t feel like working at all. I am still torn and upset with the departure from my most loved one. I cannot stay by him because he is not available. I am his best friend but he is my lover. You see the difference. So after 5 years, here I am decided to leave him for our own good. But, not knowing I am suffering and torturing myself. Every time I think of him or anything to do with him, I tear. I miss him dearly and knowing that he is nowhere near me anymore, kill me. I want him to be in my life but I know it is not healthy.

I blocked him from texting me. It was since Sunday that we last met and then I still continued messaging him and getting replies till Monday. Then, I decided to block him which means I will not. However, I have been texting him every morning telling him how miserable and how much I cannot continue holding on without him. It is Day 3 today. I just re-read the messages I texted to him, emotions flushed in, tears are about to fill my eyes. I cannot cry because I am in the office and my colleagues should know what happen. They need not to know. To them, him and I are like a sweet loving couple but actually we are nothing more than just friends. Sadly.

Writing this using Microsoft Word and will be transferring it to the blog later. Partly it will not be so obvious that I am not working. Secondly, I there is no internet connection since morning and the IT is fixing it but it is a bit too long.

I was quite emotionally affected when I re-read the messages texted and when I started writing this. Luckily, the colleagues talked to me here and there to distract me. My emotions are pretty much toned down now. I can’t express how much I am affect by this person but I am in my worst condition and just acting tough. I can tear anytime.

I mentioned that is it Day 3 that I text him “emoly”, YES!

Then, I told myself let’s stop texting him. What’s the point of telling him on how I feel when I decided to leave for good. I read an article before that texting your Ex after a break up is a big NO NO. Let’s STOP it, I hope but I cannot control myself. He has been there for me for the last 5 years although we were not together exclusively. It is my own fault that I fell for him and allowed my heart to rule my mind. He is so significant to me, the dearest one these years that I will do anything for him.

People now said serve me right and I asked for it but there is no wrong in love. Yes, serves me right that I am suffering right now getting over him. Enough of my friends, not that they are not important to me, they are. I am the dumb kinda girl that love rules my life. KTANXBAI!   I hope that after this I will not have the urge to text him anymore. I am doing this because I know he cares and I want him to feel lost and miserable too. Which I know it will affect him. He is unlike my first love because that Ex was a playful type so love, relationship or friendship to him are not impactful. To him, all these will leave a scar to him and if I became worse than who I am and I hurt myself, he will get even more upset. I care about him and I love him so I don’t want him to be upset and disappointed with me.

Alright, I am going to wrap this up and start working. Internet connection got cut because payment was overlooked. Nonetheless, the server is still accessible. Hence, continue working I am or else I will need to stay back late to complete my work. It’s month-end closing. Toughen up and work efficiently. Work Work Work, emo or play later…  

Server is Still Down, boring...

So, the server is still down and I am taking the advantage to blog at my work station again. 

Sneakily....... *shhhhhhhh* 

Should I make a cup of coffee? 

I know I shouldn't because I am not well but I have been drinking milk tea for the past two days, Milo is a big No cause my body is very heaty (though this is not the right word but Chinese use it to describe). 

K, as I sit....I am not thinking of making a coffee but I still feel like getting a hot drink. 

>>>>>Got Distracted<<<<<

I was checking out Body Shop Online for the past few days since my aunt wanted to buy lipstick and she visited the store last week. I told her there is a discount if you buy it online. SO, I told her I will help her to get it since I bought online before. I have yet to do so for her because I was also considering to get a EDT for myself but I have spent quite a bit lately. After browsing the site for few days, I finally bought it and I face a problem with payment and my superior passed by my work station. Then, I told myself "arghhhh screw it, they didn't say no shopping online. Well, ya working time is to work but SERVER IS DOWN, how to work? Hehe..." Ok, check out and purchased. Now, waiting for delivery which will take about 5 working days.

>>>>>End of Distraction<<<<<

I am still not doing anything yet. Browsing here and there, pretending to be doing something since the system can't operate. What else can I do. Oh I did, clearing my unread emails. It was 400+ and not <350 data.="" p="">
I am gonna continue with the unread emails.

When Ransomware Attacked The Office

Blogging at my work station again. 

What can on person do when the server is infected by virus and the case isn't solved yet since a week ago? Me, I am pretending to be busy most of the day and I am now blogging. 

I have done my filling too quickly which was the 1st day of the virus attack and my colleagues and I even cleared the cupboards in order to have sufficient space to keep the 2015 documents. This was all done on last Tuesday. 

On the subsequent days, I complete the task that I can do manually/paperwork and what's not in a short while and then I am free all day long. I feel so bored and very frustrated because task that require me to do using the server is piling up. 

The first few days was worst as we are unable to access to the internet, check emails or to even switch on the PC. How frustrating is that. Thus, I am usually sitting at my place doing nothing and I don't really want to play with my phone because the CCTV is right above my head. Suck max!!! 

These days, I am sneakily surfing the Internet, playing my games via mobile because I couldn't care less and clear whatever that are pending on my hand. Or else what can I do. 

Actually, I can call customers to chase debt as it is my core task. BUT...how can I do so if the customer requires me to check the outstanding. Hence, I am not doing so since the server is down. 

By the way, the virus is called Ransomware and the IT consultant is trying their level best to fix the problem and US has had freeze the operation. It will not resume until the region is virus free. 

This Ransomware only encrypted the files in the Public folder. Thankfully, not personal folders and most of my data is in my personal folder. I'd backed-up the data in an external but worrying the external is infected to. Well, one did and it's cleared now. 

Oh well...that I how free I am sitting at my work station and it is tiring to pretend to be busy. *flip hair* Yes, boasting it because I am rarely this free at work. I am usually running here and there settling stuff in relation to debt collection. 

My colleague who sits opposite the CCTV just told me that she is kept surfing the Net and doing online shopping. How nice to be seated at her place. Don't need to surf sneakily. 

Nonetheless, I can't wait till the server resumes then I am able to catch up on work. 

That's about it for now, back to being an actress acting as a busy-bee... 

No Particular Topic

The TV is on, no particular shows that I am watching. Just a random Cantonese channel that my grandmother is watching occasionally because she is falling asleep as usual. 

Me feeling not quite bored but quite emo longing for someone and I have nothing to do. I am usually upstairs on the bed playing TeamLava games on the tablet but it is now charging and the games can be can accessed through my phone too but battery is flat. 

Hence, I decided to write something, nothing in particular.

I have always been thinking of writing/blogging but I am extremely not fond on switching on my super lag netbook. I did thought of buying a laptop but because I don't use it often. Then, this has delayed me from changing to a better computer. Another thing is that I am already spending so much time at work staring at the computer especially with numbers, I avoid tiring my eyes further in the night. Oh well, I gottta admit I still stares at my phone and tab. 

Another thing that I have been thinking of doing for the past few week is that I want to update my resume. I am definitely not going to brainstorm now, maybe tomorrow. I will definitely do it soon whether will I go for a job change or will I stay on with my current workplace and position. I will decided soon, perhaps after the Big B. 

Happy New Year 2015!!!

Hello!!! 

Happy New Year!!!

Happy 2015!!! 

Not a lengthy post, 

Just a few words greeting the brand new year as I am writing this post from office. 

Superior is out for lunch break while my senior i.e. just next door without divider is on MC. Hence, I get this chance!!! I'm waiting to go for lunch. 

I am not fond of going out due to the extreme hot weather but my other colleague is alone and I did not prepare anything for lunch. So yea... 

Alright, Bye for now... 

*lunch break*