May 27, 2015

Today I don’t feel like working at all. I am still torn and upset with the departure from my most loved one. I cannot stay by him because he is not available. I am his best friend but he is my lover. You see the difference. So after 5 years, here I am decided to leave him for our own good. But, not knowing I am suffering and torturing myself. Every time I think of him or anything to do with him, I tear. I miss him dearly and knowing that he is nowhere near me anymore, kill me. I want him to be in my life but I know it is not healthy.

I blocked him from texting me. It was since Sunday that we last met and then I still continued messaging him and getting replies till Monday. Then, I decided to block him which means I will not. However, I have been texting him every morning telling him how miserable and how much I cannot continue holding on without him. It is Day 3 today. I just re-read the messages I texted to him, emotions flushed in, tears are about to fill my eyes. I cannot cry because I am in the office and my colleagues should know what happen. They need not to know. To them, him and I are like a sweet loving couple but actually we are nothing more than just friends. Sadly.

Writing this using Microsoft Word and will be transferring it to the blog later. Partly it will not be so obvious that I am not working. Secondly, I there is no internet connection since morning and the IT is fixing it but it is a bit too long.

I was quite emotionally affected when I re-read the messages texted and when I started writing this. Luckily, the colleagues talked to me here and there to distract me. My emotions are pretty much toned down now. I can’t express how much I am affect by this person but I am in my worst condition and just acting tough. I can tear anytime.

I mentioned that is it Day 3 that I text him “emoly”, YES!

Then, I told myself let’s stop texting him. What’s the point of telling him on how I feel when I decided to leave for good. I read an article before that texting your Ex after a break up is a big NO NO. Let’s STOP it, I hope but I cannot control myself. He has been there for me for the last 5 years although we were not together exclusively. It is my own fault that I fell for him and allowed my heart to rule my mind. He is so significant to me, the dearest one these years that I will do anything for him.

People now said serve me right and I asked for it but there is no wrong in love. Yes, serves me right that I am suffering right now getting over him. Enough of my friends, not that they are not important to me, they are. I am the dumb kinda girl that love rules my life. KTANXBAI!   I hope that after this I will not have the urge to text him anymore. I am doing this because I know he cares and I want him to feel lost and miserable too. Which I know it will affect him. He is unlike my first love because that Ex was a playful type so love, relationship or friendship to him are not impactful. To him, all these will leave a scar to him and if I became worse than who I am and I hurt myself, he will get even more upset. I care about him and I love him so I don’t want him to be upset and disappointed with me.

Alright, I am going to wrap this up and start working. Internet connection got cut because payment was overlooked. Nonetheless, the server is still accessible. Hence, continue working I am or else I will need to stay back late to complete my work. It’s month-end closing. Toughen up and work efficiently. Work Work Work, emo or play later…