Can't be Lovers, be Friends perhaps?

To leave and grief because it's impossible to LOVE ?

or

To stay and try being Friends because it's not worth losing a friend that I know I can count on, to cherish and be cherished ?

Either way will be a heartbreak but should be fine, just the matter of time!

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Suggestions : 

If I am undecided...

Take a break then decide when my heart is feeling better.

Block him from whatever means of communication.

Try to be friends, why need to block and regret later. 

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My Decision...

To be friends!

Try to be friends or I have accepted him as my friend.

But, I still need my space to heal from the impossibilities of loving him as my lover. 

I told him I need time and he said no deadline. 

[Sometimes, I wish he choose to leave me and let me have a hurtful memories of us. Him to be harsh on me but he will never do that.]

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He said I am a person worth cherishing in his whole life. 

He will always love and care for me as a friend regardless me opting not to be his friend.

He is someone I can count on. 

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I will need to get over him and move on. 

I will take my time to try be his closest friend. 

I cherish him. 

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Me to him, 

I may not be your closest friend now as the wound is still fresh. I need my time to heal and accept you as my friend. One day, maybe in few weeks, few months or decades, I will not know if I can be your closest friend. 

Him to me,

Whatever you wish to do, I respect your decision and please tell me. Don't leave me at a dark side. But, you are someone worthy and to be cherished. You will always be my closest friend. 

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What I did?

I went missing for few days, by just turning off the wifi on my mobile so he can't text me on Whatsapp. I was trying to concentrate on my toughest and most stressful paper. Finally, a night before my exam, he texted me via SMS saying... 

"I am not sure what is happening but I hope that you're fine. You take care! Good Luck and All the Best for finals and you shall get all good grades that you want. Just to let you know, YOU GOT A FRIEND IN ME"! 

This text moved me to tears. I am uncertain if I still love him or am I touched to have such a friend. It was a mixed feeling. I was disturbed and went to bed. 

On the exam morning, I was extremely nervous and normally I will text him for a chill pill. This time I did not and try praying for calmness. 

It was a break free after exam, came home to rest. I switch on my wifi and replied all messages. Obviously, he is one of them. He left me several messages asking if I am avoiding him. 

We started talking and I try to be as normal friend as possible. Till today, we are still talking but I am no longer so intimate, lovey dovey and clingy in messaging. Yes, we were like that even in texts. 

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This was after I decided to be his friend but needed some time off to start talking to him again. Before this, we did went out for dinner together and it was AWKWARDDDDD......yet it went well. I am proud of myself and that should be how friends behave at a dinner.  

Stories on "Dinner Date" later... 

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Now, I am fine. I feel good and happy. Though I may be emo at times when I think of it but hopefully I am over him since he is still talking to me, it doesn't feel like I have lost him. We are like close friends talking but the reminder of "just friends" is always there. A constant reminder to myself and for myself to move on! He is warned to not make me emo or I shall leave the friendship!!! 

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I Love Him & He Loves Me - We're JUST FRIENDS

Heartbreak - So Torn, So Broken

I am too broken to even write what has had been going on since the very Sweet Sunday together.

Due to a few reasons, I initiated to put a closure to the long complicated and wrong relation/friend - ship of ours.

I did that once last December but I was not strong enough to hold back my feelings for him.

Neither did he realized that his sweet doings at times contributed in me loving him more.

Five months later, 22 May 2013!

With lots of pressure from my circle of friends, I have decided to keep a distance from him because the longer I stay in this weird and unhealthy situation, the longer I am going to suffer and the harder to move on...

It is already very tough to move on now. Keeping a distance from him is killing me.

He still texts me but I try to reply as NOT emotional or NOT intimate as possible. I replied like to any normal friends.

But, I can't take it. Suffering...

I am so torn, so broken...

A very huge heartbreak...

Every moment of emotional rush, 
my eyes are filled with tears...

Even when I try to sleep in the past few days...

I am much better now, as I could sleep without crying...

He is still on my mind...

Sigh...

My sorrows - to be continue... after exams!

Sweet Sweet Sunday

Lazy Sunday? 

Definitely NOT! 

It was a SWEET SWEET SUNDAY together with him. 

My Sweet Sunday diary with him... 

Usually when we go out, it'd be either just to eat and usually will de dessert knowing that I'm a dessert lover. Yesterday was different. Oh wait, we went movies only once last year. We went to Mid Valley for shopping yesterday. Initially he wanted to use up his vouchers but the book that his dad wanted is not published yet. His dad said that they have another week to use the vouchers which is month end and they'll be going to Penang to check it out. 

Then, was lunch at Tony Roma's that we shared a 1/2 Barbeque Chicken and a glass of Iced Lemon Tea. It was just nice for us, he was a lil full perhaps. So, was there for lunch. The lil things that I adore a guy doing for me is asking me which part I wanted and doing the cutting for me. On and off I did cut the chicken myself. He asked why am I lazy to cut, no I told him because it's hard to eat. Yay, he agreed with me. Continue eating till the last part of the chicken. he cut the meat out and took the bones. He told me "nah..you take that". Typical chinaman doing but that's what I adore. Overall, I love my lunch time very much. 

Later, I went over to Uniqlo to shop. Before that, we went to the washroom. He went in and I did too but the ladies was dirty and the Q was long so I came out. Without me knowing, he was already outside but I waited at the walkway to the washrooms. For few minutes I was there, I'd walk out to check if he is out but I didn't see him. Awhile later, I walked out again and he was there. So, I got angry and told him that I was inside waiting for him, how can he walk away without waiting for me. He said he was waiting outside Uniqlo. Gahhhhh, I hated this! 

I bought 2 tees from Uniqlo for myself and my aunt. I almost two of the same colour, he kept asking why do I want the nude coloured tee and I like the comics on it but not reading what written on it. Without knowing my tee has a meaning (photo at the bottom). Then, it was his turn to shop. WINDOW SHOP!! He is looking for a backpack for his laptop that doesn't look like a laptop bag, medium size and not easily tear. Went to few shops to scout but nothing seemed to suit his needs. Some may fulfill one requirements and not the other. Indeed, he is a very picky person. You know what, he was looking for a bag since last year! Gosh!!! More picky than me??? Damn! 

Hence, we left Mid Valley. Him being empty handed, complaining that he bought nothing whereas I have two tees. Yay for myself. So, I was all ready to pay for the parking but was a fifty note. Definitely he didn't want to take mine and insisted that he has got small change. He paid (only 5 bucks)! Opps, lunch too he was being the man. He said he pay first and didn't ask me to pay back. In the car, I told him that I got no change to pay him for the lunch we had. He kept quiet, then I make noise because I don't want him to treat me all the time. Finally, he said next time. I owe him moneyyyyy... But, he owes me his life! Hehe... 

Rekindling memories, when we were at the mall! Typical how a couple behave minus holding hands. We quarreled, we playfully fight, I pinched him, he made fun of me, we joke, we had some body contact, we .... blah blah blah! That's why I said we were like couples but we are not. I just love the moment we shared yesterday. 

He sent me home, we took some pictures in the car. The moment I stepped into my house, I miss him. I texted him. I really really really missed him then... I wish I could spend more time with him or even for the rest of our life. 

I am going for a medical check-up tomorrow. I am fear to do it. Over lunch, I asked him if my results shows no big complications, will he reward me to a trip together. He said yes but could not promise me. Herein, I really wish that we could go for trips together. That's how much I want him. I want him to know that he has feeling for me as well. 

All in all, after yesterday, I reinforced my feeling for him. I love him so much more that I'd thought of but we are not together. 

Yesterday was my FAIRYTALE! I was more of moments like this with him. 

Without reading the words on the tee that I bought when I was with him.
Love is ... When I grow old with the person who we love each other, that's when we know what L♡VE is. 

That's about a lovely Sunday with him. I await for more. I hope there will be more... 

- Sunday, May 19, 2013 -