I'm upset,
You're upset,
We're both upset.
It is getting so tensed up. Can we not discuss the topic anymore?
Because you're sounding like you're angry rather than you're upset.
I don't want to cry.
I don't want to to cry myself to sleep tonight.
I don't want to cry because of you.
It hurts more than any other things.
Because when I cry,
I tend to have negative thoughts about you and I.
I get tired,
I get angry,
I get upset,
It makes me feel so down when bad things happen between us.
I wonder how do you feel at times.
But, today I know I made you upset as well.
What actually happened?
It started off with me telling him that I am unhappy about him. The case was, I bought a voucher to diner at some restaurant which he wanted to go as well. I told him about it more or less about a month but he had yet to find the time to go with me. Why am I pressuring him it's because there is a due date to this voucher which is by the end of November. Only a few day left and I know many people bought this voucher too, and it's a first come first serve basis so I am not sure if we'll get a chance when we walk-in. So, I really wanna go early and he knows it.
He is working from Mondays to Saturdays, so basically only Sundays that he is free and he has got many people to meet. On week nights, I rarely have a chance to meet him because he has dinner plans except with me. I may sound jealous but I am really wanting to meet him all the time. So, it's a Sunday today. I really did hope that we could use the voucher today as I know it is very hard to catch him on weekdays and only four days left before it ends.
I placed hope, it crashed because he was out with his brother whole day then needed rest. I am all right with that. But, what sadden me was the feeling if he is keen on meeting me. I always doubt on that matter because he meets every other people except me. Also, it's me who's the one who always calls him wanting to meet him. I get tired when I held hope to meet him and in the end all I get was reasons of other plans.
I asked him if he is keen on going for the meal, if he is not then don't hesitate to tell me. But, he didn't give me an answer to that question. Skipped that. Then, I told him what my aunt said to me. "If a guy don't want to meet you, he will give many reasons just to avoid you". The thought of it hit my heart, it hurts when I think that if he don't want to meet me. He asked me in return "Why wouldn't I want to meet you"? I can't answer that because I was already upset, but coming to think of it now he do actually want to meet me badly at times.
I further told him that I felt like I am nobody to him and he is often forced to meet me. I was upset. His replies begun to be a lil different so I asked if he is angry but no, he is upset too. He is upset that he want to meet ME, brother, the gf and friends but, I do not have much time. Saw that, my name comes before her. Anyway, that's not the point. I replied saying that I'm speechless and I don't know what to do as well. I lose to all on the list so I'll just shut up, I said.
The tense begins! He prompt me these questions.
Why?
Why are you ranking?
Why do you give yourself ranking and others as well?
Does it really matter?
My emotions fall deep under, I feel so upset at the point of crying. I don't know why did I ranked. Perhaps, it really matters to me. As I knew him only for the past one year as compared to others, so of course the rest are more important to him.
He sounded more angry. Insisting that he don't rank. Maybe an exception that is Family above all. I am all fine with that because who doesn't put family first. I am sad, I do ranked myself lower compared to the rest, I was truthful. He still don't get why do I have to rank. Me too, I myself don't know too and I apologized because I felt that way. Again he asked if it is important.
I don't know. I seriously don't know but it feels that way. I think it is because I am so attached to you. "Attached" may not be the right word but I did want to tell him so that he knows I am very much attached to him.
He then went to bed and seriously not knowing why do it really matter to me. Something for us to ponder on, I supposed. But, often enough he don't think about it. And when we meet up, we seemed like a very happy, loving couple actually we are not in a relationship.
No "HUGS" at the end of the day for me!
Sigh...
I asked for it?
Add ons: To me, there is an exception to placing family first then it will be my loved one. As in putting my boyfriend after family. But, to him this is not the case. He once told me that he place career, friends and many more before the girlfriend. I want to be the one he place after his family. Obviously I want to be the one rank the first to him. I want to be him most important person in his life. I admit, he is very important to me and I cannot deny that I am very attached to him. Sigh...
No comments:
Post a Comment